I'll Wait Forever...

It pained me a lot
It pains me still
Today i love you
Tomorrow i will.


My hope is true
And full and deep.
Did i go wrong
In this faithful leap?


I am left weak
I am left tired
This terrible defeat
Is fate conspired


You are YOU
And I am ME
I miss those days when
We were WE.


Bucket-load of tears
From my eyes.
Painful screams
Hopeless sighs


I had planned so much
It was good to see
But happiness and me?
Not to be.


It wasn't working for you
Or so had you said
Wish you thought with your heart
And not with your head.


We were perfect
I can still say
I'll keep trying
To get it that way


Love, hope, tears
Sprayed and showered
At night without you
My heart cowered


In my poems
The subject was you
In my heart
My love was true.


My love was enough
For two of our size
I'm waiting for the day
You wake up, realize.


Realize you will
And the moment you do
You'll find me waiting to say
I love you too....




INFINITY...............

Living Hell

“This Week Has Been, The BEST EVER” That is how my last post ended. And I meant every letter of it. It WAS the best week I had ever had. All of this sounds ironic now. Now that things have gone SO wrong. I wouldn’t have wondered much if anyone else would title this entry as “Worst Week Ever” if he was in a similar situation. But, I wont. Never.
I made a mistake, a silly one indeed, and paid the price. I was pushed right out of heaven into the burning fury of hell, and that too by someone, I could give my life for. And for the records, IT HURTS.

I have always heard, and believed, that “Good things happen to good people, always.” And every time I fall upon this line, I look up to heaven and say “Why me?” All I know is that I am a good person. Never cheated in an exam, never stolen from a friend, never hurt a soul (knowingly). Actually, as I used to tell my friends a little time back, “There is nothing I have done which I can’t tell my mother about fearlessly.” Explains my stand. “Why Me?”


Past 25 days, she owned me. Now, I’m like discarded trash. I used to wake up waiting for her SMS. I would give her a short, sweet call and head towards school. We’d meet at school, during the breaks mostly. I’d come home and would always find her SMS waiting for me “Call me up. J” And call her, I would. I’d text her after the call, and wait for her reply. The numerous intermittent spaces in between would feel like hours and would be spent studying (mostly). We would sneak small moments from our water-tight Class 12 schedule. This would go on till we had to study or either of us fell asleep. Those days were sweet. Very. I loved her voice. I loved US. I just hope that she did so too. I hadn’t dreamt for years before I met her. She made me dream. And how.


I still can’t get over her. Need proof? I don’t dream now. I have nightmares.



In those 25-odd days, she became a habit. She was the neatest piece of treble whisky and I was a oh-so-cravingly-thirsty alcoholic. I don’t get over people easily. I’m not the “move-on” types. Have tried it on a number of occasions with a number of people, but this time, I ain’t even trying, because I know, that I won’t be able to. Or rather, I just don’t want to.


This blog might never have been THIS personal. But today I am so emotionally broke that I sincerely don’t care what people think of me. All I can say is that I’m still paining. It’s reduced, considerably due to the overtly optimistic nature I possess but sometimes, reality does bring me down to earth and, it hurts again.



Now that she is gone, there is this gaping, scathing, searing hole, punched through me. The texts are gone. The calls aren’t half as close. It’s like I’m going through cold turkey. Maybe it wasn’t just a habit. It was an addiction. And I was an addict. The hole through my chest goes so deep that I can’t do anything apart from study. Good for me? I don’t know. Maybe if you want a dead-from-within-95%-scoring-zombie. Not what I want. I want her. No, I need her.


She said she wasn’t ready for this. She said she needed time. She said she needed space. I said I’d make sure she gets it all, and more. But she just didn’t need me. End-of-story.
Every cloud has a silver lining, and so does this one. We are still friends. We used to be good ones before it all started. I’ll have to make my castle all over again. All this for my Architectural ambitions. Hopefully I’ll make a real castle someday. One which will stand tall against the skyline. That would make me proud. Not happy. My happiness lies somewhere else, with someone else. And you, hopefully you read this. And when you do, please remember- P.S. I still love you…


:’(

Something Beautiful...

Millions are praying for it daily,
But just somehow, happiness chose me.
And though I can’t believe it still,
Something beautiful happened to me.

Poetry is just a medium,
A medium to express my soul.
Last week I was incomplete,
Now suddenly, I’m whole.

Chains and fetters bound me,
All of a sudden, I’m free.
I just found an angel,
Something beautiful happened to me.

Tonnes of songs, written and heard.
But cried and died, for your one word,
Pain will go, Joy will stay.
Forever, Truly, I’ll remember that day.

I was I, and You were You,
Before the day, we became We.
Believe it or not, actually,
Something beautiful happened to me.

To be happy now, I don’t need to try.
All credits involved, belong to you.
You are what, I’ll remember myself by.
Now that my dream, has actually come true.

Your wish, My command.
Was and will always be.
For you are, the very reason,
Something beautiful, happened to me.

Hope it always stays this way.
Wish this may, end never.
This week gone by, truly,
Has been THE BEST EVER.

P.S. I love you..

After 12 years of formal schooling, I have seen people meet, hate each other, like each other, love each other, get into a relationship, and then, unfortunately, get out of it. There is this friend of mine who “loved” a girl for two long years before he “got” her, then stayed together for a year and then, recently broke up. There is another friend of mine who hasn’t seen the girl he loves for 2 whole years but still insists that he does, and trust me HE DOES. Then I know girls who have hidden their feelings behind a smile for seasons together, just to see the guys they love happy. Love can be mushy, bittersweet, tiring, painful, etc. But it’s love, so never mind.

I had never been able to wrap my head around the entire concept of “love. But that was until, I met a couple.

When I do a bit of soul searching an ask myself “Why I thought of writing this?” I have but one reply, “Oh c’mon, they are perfect.”

This weekend, I met the perfect couple. PERFECT.

And when I asked them what love is all about, this is what they said:

”Love is something that makes one feel that life is perfect. One forgets all pains. One bears all troubles. One endures all storms. One does everything he can. One smiles. That’s the power of love.

It is like your life revolves around a central point. It is like you find the focus of your existence.

You wish you could be with them 24X7, 365, and you still want more of them. That's love.

You were having a rave party on the outskirts of the city and on your way home the police catches you drunk and driving, and right when you think that nothing can save you and you have screwed up big time, your sober friend on the passenger seat owns up and takes the blame, goes through a lot of trouble, while you stay free.
When in love, you want to be that ‘friend on the passenger seat’. That is love

You have Rs.5 as your cell phone balance and just because you want to hear her voice, you spend every penny you have (even go into negative balance) and don’t think about it once with regret. That’s love.

When you, dreamless for 5 years, see the face of the person of your dreams, in your dreams, standing barefoot in the sand, underneath a clear blue sky and her face lit up by the sun, its love.

When you feel twice as awkward as she does when you introduce her to your friends, it’s stupid, and it’s love.

When you promise something out of the way and then end up doing something out of the way just to ensure that you fulfill your promise, its love.

When you see a smile on the face of that special person, and you wish to hold on to that moment forever, its love.

When you are in the balcony, and the sky is twilight, and the moon has just started to shine bright, and you are on the phone with your special one, and you tell him "this is the best moment of the day" its love.

When you want to die immediately just because “I always wanted to die this happy” its love.

And when it is love, well, it is love”

Sounds great.
God Bless Us!!
;-)

*ting*.

Someone...

Well, this isn't my creation. This is what someone wrote about someone. And as soon as i read this, i knew that I was posting it here. What if it isn't mine? It's from the heart and, well, that's all that matters. To someone, wish i could write as well.

It’s the scariest thing ever to realize how much someone means to you. When it hits you, I mean really hits you, all these thoughts and questions rush through your head at once. A sad emotion even starts to creep on you slowly inch by inch as you start to wonder. What if for some reason things don’t work out? - How are you possibly going to live without them? Someone that was once a stranger, now is the only person you know like the back of your hand. Someone you once had no emotions for, now has the power to break your heart. Someone you never used to hang out with, now owns most of your time. Someone you never thought you’d care about, now owns your entire life. Someone you once lived without, you now wish to hold onto forever.

That Sinking Feeling

I walk for a minute,
It feels like a mile.
That sinking feeling
’s been around for a while.

Life is scattered;
Torn pages.
Somewhere within’
Fury rages.

Places and faces, zip me by.
Memories return, in the blink of an eye.
Move on, I must, and so I try.
And as I fail, I stop, and cry.

I cry out loud,
but then, no one hears.
This is worse
Than the worst of my fears.

I know not what,
Causes me grief.
Though it shouldn’t,
Pain brings relief.

You, me, us.
I can’t correlate.
My being suffers,
My soul suffocates.

A simmering storm,
Is in my mind.
Heart and soul
In perpetual grind.

In pain I stand,
Laughing away.
This sinking feeling,
It’s here to stay.

Town To City: Life In A Metro!

Town to city. A small, sleepy, boring place where the only bustling areas were the main markets; to the largest city in the country, full of life, full of people buzzing , moving, running, never ending. It’s a geographical distance of 1600 km, a mental distance of a million more miles. That is how far I’ve come- Siliguri to Delhi.

Problems, I had in plenty. I had new friends to make, new place to adjust in, new people to accommodate and new city to live; and all of this without parents.

My father once told me, “Not all fingers are same in length, but when they bend, they all stand equal; life becomes easy when one bends to adjust to all situations.”
I took it to heart and tried to adjust as much as possible.

Friends were easy to make, given my extrovert nature. I was strong willed enough, to accommodate new people and slowly, with the passage of time I started to enjoy living in this megacity.

9 months have passed, since I shifted base to New Delhi. These 9 months have changed me quite a lot. Not enough for you to see, but enough for me to feel it. I had come here with a certain excitement within me. I had a spring in my steps, a smile on my face, jolly good song on my lips, a sparkle in my eyes. All that’s lost now, under the layers of adjustment I have added to my being. My highly adaptable nature tends to go against me. My only fear is that at some point of time in the near future, I might just end up losing my overall self due to the adjustments; something I don’t want to happen, ever. The mirror doesn’t show much of a difference but whenever I look inside me, I see frustration building up. "Dil walon ki Dilli", isn’t exactly so. Actually, I won’t think twice before calling it heartless. People are headstrong, confident, self obsessed. They claim to have big hearts, but have big egos instead. The wide roads are polar opposite to the narrow mindset of people. The greenery around seems insignificant to the darkness in people.

But just when everything starts to go wrong, a voice inside me says that despite all its flaws, Delhi is not all that bad. It’s visually beautiful and if one looks at the right places, one may very easily find genuinely good people. These people are the only ones who keep my life worthwhile. People here are emotional and tend to get easily attached to you(very deeply, at times). And this has both its positive and negative effects.

These 9 months have taught me more than the rest of my life put together. I have met so many different people. I have learnt to communicate to my benefit. I have learnt to put up a certain level of pretence in my daily life to keep my cards close to my chest for extensive periods of time. Now I differentiate better (both people and scientific variables.)

I find detaching myself from people easier I know the limit till which I may open up. I might have lost a little bit of stability, but have grown on grounds of mental strength.