“This Week Has Been, The BEST EVER” That is how my last post ended. And I meant every letter of it. It WAS the best week I had ever had. All of this sounds ironic now. Now that things have gone SO wrong. I wouldn’t have wondered much if anyone else would title this entry as “Worst Week Ever” if he was in a similar situation. But, I wont. Never.
I made a mistake, a silly one indeed, and paid the price. I was pushed right out of heaven into the burning fury of hell, and that too by someone, I could give my life for. And for the records, IT HURTS.
I have always heard, and believed, that “Good things happen to good people, always.” And every time I fall upon this line, I look up to heaven and say “Why me?” All I know is that I am a good person. Never cheated in an exam, never stolen from a friend, never hurt a soul (knowingly). Actually, as I used to tell my friends a little time back, “There is nothing I have done which I can’t tell my mother about fearlessly.” Explains my stand. “Why Me?”
Past 25 days, she owned me. Now, I’m like discarded trash. I used to wake up waiting for her SMS. I would give her a short, sweet call and head towards school. We’d meet at school, during the breaks mostly. I’d come home and would always find her SMS waiting for me “Call me up. J” And call her, I would. I’d text her after the call, and wait for her reply. The numerous intermittent spaces in between would feel like hours and would be spent studying (mostly). We would sneak small moments from our water-tight Class 12 schedule. This would go on till we had to study or either of us fell asleep. Those days were sweet. Very. I loved her voice. I loved US. I just hope that she did so too. I hadn’t dreamt for years before I met her. She made me dream. And how.
I still can’t get over her. Need proof? I don’t dream now. I have nightmares.
In those 25-odd days, she became a habit. She was the neatest piece of treble whisky and I was a oh-so-cravingly-thirsty alcoholic. I don’t get over people easily. I’m not the “move-on” types. Have tried it on a number of occasions with a number of people, but this time, I ain’t even trying, because I know, that I won’t be able to. Or rather, I just don’t want to.
This blog might never have been THIS personal. But today I am so emotionally broke that I sincerely don’t care what people think of me. All I can say is that I’m still paining. It’s reduced, considerably due to the overtly optimistic nature I possess but sometimes, reality does bring me down to earth and, it hurts again.
Now that she is gone, there is this gaping, scathing, searing hole, punched through me. The texts are gone. The calls aren’t half as close. It’s like I’m going through cold turkey. Maybe it wasn’t just a habit. It was an addiction. And I was an addict. The hole through my chest goes so deep that I can’t do anything apart from study. Good for me? I don’t know. Maybe if you want a dead-from-within-95%-scoring-zombie. Not what I want. I want her. No, I need her.
She said she wasn’t ready for this. She said she needed time. She said she needed space. I said I’d make sure she gets it all, and more. But she just didn’t need me. End-of-story.
Every cloud has a silver lining, and so does this one. We are still friends. We used to be good ones before it all started. I’ll have to make my castle all over again. All this for my Architectural ambitions. Hopefully I’ll make a real castle someday. One which will stand tall against the skyline. That would make me proud. Not happy. My happiness lies somewhere else, with someone else. And you, hopefully you read this. And when you do, please remember- P.S. I still love you…
:’(
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